SUSPICIOUS WHITE POWDER

January 7, 2002 - The total casualty count for recent terrorism is increasing, as suspicious white powders continue to surface across the nation.

The famous Doughboy remains in serious but stable condition after being accidentally hosed by a Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) haz-mat team, in response to a "suspicious white powder" found in Pillsbury executive offices.

When conscious enough to speak with the media, Doughboy told reporters, "I'm proud to be a Floured American, and my reaction to this unfortunate accident is to consider it part of the price of patriotism. This is a diverse nation, and many doughs are misunderstood."

Relieved Pillsbury co-workers shared Doughboy's statement via satellite, and sent him gift baskets of butter, sugar, flour and water. Close friend, Betty Crocker, airlifted a special batch of real vanilla flavoring to Doughboy, in hopes it would cheer her friend.

"These people will pay," said Crocker.

Hospital workers asked that gifts of powdered donuts, the culprit for the earlier Pillsbury contagion scare, be donated, instead, to the Salvation Army.

"They always have great coffee," said an assisting nurse.

Doughboy declared he would not pursue legal action against FEMA, even though one allegedly enthusiastic team member repeatedly aimed her hose at Doughboy's belly.

In a related incident, Johnson & Johnson Industries had their share of unease yesterday when a white powder scare was reported in their baby products division.

Mona Talcum, official spokesperson for the baby powder giant, told reporters the white powdery substance found leaking from a janitor's cleaning cart turned out to be a bleaching agent, and only posed a threat to germs and stubborn stains.

BY THE WAY...

Remember this, all ye Americans who are quick to hate Muslims in the wake of recent terrorism: Timothy McVeigh claimed to practice Christianity. And I don't recall the persecution of Christian beliefs after his bombing of an Oklahoma City federal building...

BOOP BOOP BE DOOP

I once read somewhere that "government intelligence" was a mutually exclusive phrase. I disagree to a point, as some of the current security ideas being bandied about in conference rooms have defitine merit.

THE NATIONAL IDENTIFICATION CARD
What's so bad about this? We already have it in the form of Social Security numbers whose nine digits are already required for items as benign as Dish TV accounts. Truth is, the law prohibits using a SSN for any other purpose except SSN business, but it is seldom, if ever, enforced. So, go on and support those state-of-the-art, holographic, unalterable national ID cards: they will be extremely effective for a few months until terrorists figure out how to counterfeit them.

FACE RECOGNITION TECHNOLOGY
Remember, during the summer before the terrorist attacks, there was an uproar in some US downtown area where face recognition technology was being used? Now, the same people of that city who complained would probably be thrilled to submit to a FR scan at an airport or sports arena. Or a retina scan. Or a full cavity body search. I say: let's all fly nude.

The problem with handing the government too much power right now under the guise of national security is we may never recover the freedoms we relinquish in the face of current fear. My dad is fond of quoting, "Freedoms are lost a little at a time." Everyone knows something lost can never be found; something misplaced may be found, but once you lose something, it is gone forever. Otherwise, it was never lost in the first place.

LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING
Examine closely all the freedoms which are suspect to loss during this new age into which we have entered; let's call it "The Age of Revelation." We must strive to support the efforts of our government in protecting our nation and its people, yet strive to not allow our lawmakers to create edicts under the present guise of "national security," which rob American citizens of any freedoms. Watchdog groups are already speaking out to inform the general public and I, for one, am listening.

Very carefully.

I THINK TOO MUCH

I appluad the recent decision by the federal government to place marshalls aboard airline flights, and to utilize the National Guard in airport security positions. I will certainly feel much safer when I decide to fly again. However, as tight as security is sure to become in airports, my writer's imagination can come up with a myriad of items just as dangerous as the common pocket knife.

Women's jewely takes on many interesting designs, from small ear studs to elabotare necklaces and bracelets. Is it possible I watched too many episodes of Mission Impossible when it played only to television audiences? Of course, but I've always harbored a secret desire to be part of a government "think tank," doing much the same thing as "The Pretender" of television fame. Which is why, when I heard on the news about the banning of knives, I thought "So, what?"

If security is going to tighten around an airport -- or any densely populated area -- personnel responsible for security must take extra care when a profiled suspect goes through a checkpoint.

1) bag straps - any strap on a bag could conceal a small, slender blade. For that matter, some purses actually have metal bottoms: one of those could be altered to have a sharp edge. I've other examples of how a small bag or purse could conceal a sharp blade, and most all of them would be missed by all but the most observant security guard.

2) bag contents - gee, go wild here: compact mirrors could be replaced with polished steel discs with one keen edge. Mascara wands could be altered to __ as ice picks. Something as seemingly benign as a metal comb could be used as a lethal weapon. And can plastic explosives be disguised as pressed powder? Not to mention the metal refills in many fountain pens, those are slender rods of danger, too.

3) clothing worn by passengers -- forget hats and caps: hatbands could conceal a variety of small objects, and the bills of caps are stiff by nature, allowing for no visible difference between an aluminum bill or a cardboard bill. The heels and soles of shoes might hide things as well. Belts would be out, too, as a hijacker could easily choke someone with a belt.

4) carry on items -- carry-on bags are made of metal and plastic, and could be fashioned in all sorts of ways. Or some corrosive acid could be secreted in something as inconspicuous a bottle of aftershave. Not to mention the occasional hardback book with a blade hidden in the spine.

The above examples are only a few reasons why I believe President Bush should declare a state of Emergency Nudity when flying. No purses, no carry-ons, not even a magazine: I read a book once where the hero could turn a sheet of ordinary paper into a lethal weapon.

Remember, we can't be too careful right now.